Who are you? and The Future

I am Raisa Faye Andaya Bangsal.

19 years old.

The only daughter and black sheep of Bong and Noreen Bangsal
 The tomboy of the Tres Marias

The quiet one

The bullied

The tennis enthusiast

The fencing enthusiast

The over thinker

Love Nanay Vilma and Ate Meng like my family

A member of one of the wackiest organization in UP.

The brokenhearted 

The reader

The free lance writer
The Fangirl

A family member of The Shadowhunter Family

A family member of The Peculiar Family

A family of the Sinclair Family

Calls my best friend Sweetcheeks

The one who cares 

The dream baby

Yep, in those nineteen years, I have done and experience a lot but its still not over. There is still the future the unknown.

To be honest I don't want to think about the future, I just want to lie down and close my eyes or look at the stars at night. I always love stargazing. It's compelling and it is where I do my deep reflection and just plain imagine and think. Especially moon gazing. There is something about the luminescence of that natural satellite that attracts me. This is why I stay last at night and wake up in late next morning. Its sad though that I only experience my night escapades at my province and not in Manila. One thing I always look forward when going home is the night sky.

I always wanted to have a tent when I was young.
Mission accomplished!

My love for reading will remain. As for my writing, though I stopped it for quite some time now, I will continue it someday. Recently, I have this sudden addiction with paintings and other artsy stuff. I am not that artistic so don't ask me to paint or draw because the nearest drawing I could give to you is a stick figure. And I am partially a feminist.

I am also apathetic to all that I see and hear but sometimes I voice out my thoughts when needed to be. If something does not harm me or my interest in anyway then I am cool with it.

After all that I have been through in the past years, there are only three things that I am afraid of  

failing, falling and losing.

Life is a balancing act

What is the future for me?

I have a long way to go

Basically, I will graduate with some degree which I am positive will be Bachelor of Library and Information Science and take my license exam to become a professional librarian. Then take my masteral degree and probably my PhD. Help out my little brother with his studies. I also see me being independent once and for all and start living in a small apartment or condo until I get enough money to move into some resemblance of a house. Have a pet dog, probably a Golden Retriever.

I saw this dog during The British Festival
in BGC

I may have my own library containing all my books.

I may get to learn how to web design and use it as a side line from being a librarian. 

I might continue my Fencing as a hobby. 

I might go back to Tennis as a hobby

I may continue my singing in a choir.

I may drive a car.

I may explore the country then the continent then the world.

I may meet my significant other in the process and we'll fall madly in love with each other.

Marriage? I might consider it.

Kids? I may have to enter myself into motherhood classes and parenting classes but its plausible.

In my retirement stage, I want to live in Baguio or out of the country and die there. I want to pursue cross stitch and crafts during this time. I was always interested in arts and crafts.

Thinking about the future is draining me emotionally and mentally. Why? Because I'm not sure I could achieve all of them. Some yes but not all. That is why the future is scary. But what is scarier? The now. The choice I will make will make or break me in the future. For instance, I never saw myself as sporty or be in any sports for that matter and here I am now a trainee fencer and a tennis enthusiast. I almost gave up my dream of becoming an Iska and here I am living the Iskolar ng Bayan life. I never thought heartbreak whether I was in a relationship with someone or not could affect me this much. I never thought I would defend myself against the two people who gave life to me and raise me up. I never thought my avid in reading could make my social life better than it was when I was young.

Its a bit dramatic when looked at in a different perspective because I know there are a lot of people my age whom experience a lot worse than I do. But does the level of extremity really matter? For me it doesn't. You could be assaulted and harmed while your still a kid and still act like you haven't experienced it. You could be indulged with toys and clothes but not be spoiled. What am I pinning here? (Honestly I just wanted to add more and this popped in my head) Mostly, its how you portray yourself after all that has happened to you that makes you you. I am not particularly sure if its maturity but its there--that something that makes who you are.