The self proclaimed thorn among the roses

Growing up around boys and being an only girl definitely made me boyish and prefer t-shirts and jeans than camisoles and shorts. My two cousins on the other hand are more girly than me in regards to lifestyle and fashion.

I remember the time when we took a photo op in Lingayen and both my cousins were exasperated with how I pose. Some lines between "Your such a boy!" and "Do this *poses in a very girly way*". It was hard for both parties believe me. 

I could remember very well that growing up, between the age of 6-12, I was very girly but growing up with a very traditional mother and always telling me not to be like my other cousins because I was still to young for it made me a little different, conservative and stiff. Though my mother gave me a Barbie doll once in my birthday and still gives me "girly" clothes growing up she was keen to me not being TOO much of a girl. But it ended up with me being less of the girl she wanted. 

By the age of 13, I made a speculation about marriage and made a decision to live the life where I won't bow down to men and be a/the man myself. Maybe I watched some show where the woman was shown as "weak" that I disliked the idea of it. Thus I made myself more like a man knowing that if I do, I will be stronger and less vulnerable. 

I tried to do the pose correctly but I can't help it 

And me being more of a boy than a girl, I basically end up being more surrounded by boys than girls. Heck, I would even sit like them and talk just about anything even sensitive/dirty stuff because let's face it, guys are relatively gross and I for one am one. 

But I don't act like that always especially now because I too am blossoming into a lady the whole entire clan want me to be. But will I ever be like my other two cousins? N.O. You see, we are always being compared, me especially because both my cousins are fair skinned and Pinay looking while I have olive skin tone and would be considered as an Indian if I was told not to speak. There was one instance very recently that I went to an organization and the whole staff even the customers told me that I was a foreigner. Being the playful/foolish self, I acted the part and true enough they believed me. Eventually I dropped the charade and they are quite amazed at how I look.

So going back to me becoming a lady. We'll I asked some friends of mine what there impressions of me and one told me that I act all sophisticated and so mature/lady like that took me by surprise. Why? Because I never took myself really as like that. I just act and move that way because I like it and it also depends on what I wear. If I wear a dress, then I will act like a lady, if I wore a jersey short and t-shirt then expect me to be all manly and cuss like a sailor. It's like cosplaying and I enjoy fooling people around me because no one will really know what to expect from me. 

But in truth, I really am a girl. I just haven't found my real mold yet. Eventually I will. I know it.